Imma tell you a little story. I just had a flashback and it’s kind of hysterical, so you should know all about it. It won’t always paint me in the best of light, but since we’re friends, I expect you to ignore that part and celebrate the fact that I’m an amazing spy.
So, I was dating this guy in my early twenties…and his last name was a breakfast food that’s making a real name for itself and sneaking into everything these days. But we’ll call him Bob Omelette to protect the innocent. I dated Bob Omelette for over a year, which is a long time when you’re 22. Towards the end, he was acting shady, and I recognized some of his behaviors because my heart had already been smashed to smithereens in similar situations. So I did what any normal person would do. I looked through all of his stuff when he went to work one day. Whatever, you would do it too. Probably. Anyway, my investigation turned up many interesting things. I’m talking things that could be used as blackmail, but it’s a small world, so I’ll just keep those things to myself. Anyway, I left no stone or shoebox unturned.
So when I was reading the register to his checkbook, I was noticing this one name pop up month after month. I was fuming. Clearly he had some kind of mistress on the side. He was making monthly payments to her like her name was Rielle Hunter. Only that wasn’t her name and he wasn’t John Edwards. I stewed over this information for quite a while. I needed to wait for just the right moment to spring this on Bob Omelette.
One night, we got into an argument, and that’s when it all came out. -Now to my credit, the dude was cheating on me (with his secretary…how creative…oh and she was from Spain, how the eff am I supposed to compete with that?), but it wasn’t the way it appeared. I yelled out, and who is SALLIE MAE?!!! To which I was given a blank stare. “You heard me, who is this Sallie Mae and why are you giving her money each month?”
See…I didn’t have student loans during my first adventures in college, so the name didn’t ring a bell. Besides, who the fuck is named Sallie Mae (no offense to any Sallie Mae’s out there)? That was the day that I learned about Sallie Mae student loans.
But don’t cry for me, Argentina, because I had a plethora of other evidence, so I was able to quickly change the subject.
Oh and by the way, I totally dodged a bullet with that one. -And I really had an issue with his last name, so that relationship wasn’t going far. I wasn’t about to bring a bunch of Bob Omelettes into this world.